Over three decades after Jurassic Park, people still haven’t figured out that humans and dinosaurs can’t live in harmony.
Now, Jurassic World Rebirth takes the audience back to yet another island, because of course there is one and no one did anything about it. From a storytelling perspective, it’s supposed to be a return to the island roots of the original trilogy; instead, it’s a reminder that this franchise needs to be put out of its misery once and for all.
Jurassic World Rebirth takes place a few years after the events of Jurassic World: Dominion. The pharmaceutical company ParkerGenix discovers that Ile Saint-Hubert harbors three of the biggest dinosaurs, whose DNA they require to develop a medicine that could help treat heart disease (and turn a tidy profit, naturally, because these soulless ghouls monetize healthcare). ParkerGenix’s Martin Krebs (Rupert Friend) enlists operative Zora Bennett (Scarlett Johansson) and her crew, along with paleontologist Henry Loomis (Jonathan Bailey), to get to the island and extract the DNA. Easy-peasy, right? On the way there, they encounter the shipwrecked Delgado family who had their boat attacked by dinosaurs. Now, the group needs to get to the island, complete the mission, survive, then get back home in one piece.
Everyone deserves to be eaten by dinosaurs in this movie
Does this all sound stupid to you? It should, because none of these characters deserve to see the end credits. You see, they’re all aware of the dangers of dinosaurs, because it’s well publicized at this point. Yet, here you have a father, Reuben Delgado (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo), who decides to take his kids (and his eldest daughter’s boyfriend) on a cruise in the ocean when everyone knows there are gigantic monsters in the water from the past movies. How can anyone feel sorry for these people? They almost invite death.
Then, here’s the best part: Zora and her team don’t go armed with nukes, heavy duty weapons, or vehicles. Effectively, they go to a dinosaur island with basically a pocket knife and a whole lot of arrogance. It’s impossible to believe any of these people are professionals.
That isn’t the worst of it, though, as David Koepp’s screenplay feels all too convenient and telegraphed. “Oh, our ship crashed on the island? Don’t worry, I told a helicopter to come in 24 hours and circle for two minutes to see if we’re here.” This doesn’t sound like the work of a seasoned screenwriter like Koepp, who co-wrote Jurassic Park and wrote The Lost World: Jurassic Park. This stinks of studio interference – the phenomena where there are too many chefs in the kitchen, but no one actually knows how to cook a darn dish that tastes good.
Scarlett Johansson’s Zora is a bland protagonist
In terms of performances, Scarlett Johansson phones it in as Zora. It isn’t difficult to see she’s here for the paycheck and nothing more, as her character goes through the motions. She looks more bored than I am after the first hour. Hey, maybe the filmmakers should have turned her into a raptor – like the silly internet rumor that did the rounds – because it would have been far more exciting than whatever this is.
In fact, the only two actors who come out of this movie with their reputations intact are Mahershala Ali and Jonathan Bailey, who play Duncan Kincaid and Henry Loomis respectively. Even though Kincaid is given some of the worst lines and motivations in Jurassic World Rebirth, Ali portrays him like the Oscar-winning actor he is. Face it: he’s too good to be in this movie. Marvel better make that Blade movie before James Gunn gets on the phone to him, because Ali is a star and deserves better material. Bailey manages to bring a sense of wonder to his role, as he captures the same feeling everyone did when they saw dinosaurs for the first time in Jurassic Park. Everyone else is, “Oh, big dinosaurs. Cool.”
No one is here for the human characters, though. So, what about the dinosaurs? Well, the best moment happens when the characters are on the way to the island and the scene plays out like something out of Jaws. It’s fresh, different, and brings a unique aquatic edge to the series. The rest of the dino attacks prove to be okay, if not memorable. The finale, though, with the big bad mutated dinosaur is terrible, easily confirming its place as one of the worst moments from the franchise. This poor dinosaur looks like it borrowed a Xenomorph’s head and a turkey’s brain. It isn’t scary – it’s downright embarrassing to watch, feeling like a shoehorned last-minute addition to the film.
‘Jurassic World Rebirth’ is the end of the road for this franchise
Jurassic World Rebirth proves that this franchise has finally jumped the shark, having teased it for a few movies now. At this point, it should just do the inevitable crossover with Fast & Furious and be done with it. Seriously, Universal Pictures, everyone knows you’re itching to pull the trigger on that one. Make the movie and end it all, because Jurassic Park/World is nothing but a shell of what it once was. The meteor didn’t kill the dinosaurs – Hollywood did.
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