Jurassic World Rebirth is out and the critics have uttered a firm and resounding, “Meh.”
Call it reboot or re-quel fatigue. Call it the tendency of critics to abandon their inner children and subsequently hate everything good and fun in the world, such as dinosaurs. But whatever you call it, the critics believe that Jurassic World Rebirth is a dull and flimsy reiteration of a formula that has long since expired. The movie has earned a 52% on Rotten Tomatoes as well as accusations of brainlessness and buffoonery.
That said, critics tend to review movies through a narrow lens, jaded as they are by years and years of watching dinosaur films. For true dinosaur lovers, however, every Jurassic World movie is a major global event, no matter how bad the reviews are. Even if the movie is devoid of logic and heavily reliant on the questionable charms of a Chris, there are dinosaurs in it — and dinosaurs must be celebrated. Of course, even dinosaur lovers will acknowledge when a Jurassic movie isn’t perfect; and on that note, let’s discuss the 3 things that Rebirth got right (as well as 3 things it got wrong).
3 things Jurassic World Rebirth got right
Velocidactyls
Before Jurassic World Rebirth entered theaters, certain Parasaurolophus fans hoped that the movie would go back to basics, avoiding plots about mutant dino-hedgehog hybrids and opting instead for the Greatest Hits: Tyrannosaurus Rex, Dilophosaurus, Parasaurolophus. Nevertheless, Rebirth decided to go the mutant route, and featured a plot about angry, possibly-evil, mutated murder-dinosaurs. And yet, one of these evil mutant murder-dinosaurs turned out to be a brilliant invention. Enter Mutadon, a terrifying combination of Velociraptor and Pterodactyl that possessed both talons and wings. Before I learned that its real name was Mutadon, I dubbed it Velocidactyl in my mind, since it literally looked like a Velociraptor that could fly. Horrifying! Hilarious! The fever dream of ten year olds everywhere! Whoever invented Velocidactyls deserves a raise.
The callbacks
Rebirth was designed to be a veritable reboot for the Jurassic franchise, and incorporated several nods to the first-ever Jurassic Park movie. With that in mind, Rebirth has featured not only an inspiring scene involving sauropods in a field, but also a spunky little girl who tricks a Velociraptor by hiding inside something reflective. This is a clear and very loving nod to the Jurassic Park scene in which two equally spunky kids hide from Velociraptors in the kitchen. The main difference in Rebirth is that the Velociraptors can now fly. In any case, Jurassic fans appreciate a good callback and are no doubt loving Rebirth’s references to the original Jurassic Park storylines that worked so well.
The cast chemistry
Scarlett Johansson is a safe bet for any movie franchise trying to make a quick buck. But Rebirth doesn’t stop there! It also stars Mahershala Ali and Wicked’s Jonathan Bailey, the latter boasting exquisitely nerdy glasses that somehow make him irresistible. Meanwhile, Rupert Friend (Mr. Wickham from the best Pride & Prejudice movie) plays a perfect evil-capitalist foil for them, solidifying a perfect storm of magnetic cast chemistry.
3 things Jurassic World Rebirth got wrong
D-Rex
The person who invented Velodicatyls may deserve a raise, but whoever invented D-Rex deserves jail. D-Rex, who deliberately looks like a cross between a T-Rex and a xenomorph, is a perfect example of Jurassic movies flying too close to the sun. In an effort to create a visually memorable and psychologically traumatizing movie monster, Rebirth went too far and subsequently created something that a five-year-old would have painted onto their wall during a temporary act of rebellion. D Rex looks hilarious and for all the wrong reasons.
A lack of characterization
The cast of Rebirth might be top-notch, but their actual characters are anything but. Throughout the movie, we learn just enough about the main characters to not want them to die, but not enough to care when they complete character arcs such as “Previously Was Capitalist; Now Wants to Save the World.”
An irresponsible lack of Parasaurolophuses
Parasaurolophuses are the best dinosaurs and any paleontologist would agree with me. You can call the Smithsonian Natural History Museum if you don’t believe me. After all, Parasaurolophuses have massive banana heads and can run faster than Usain Bolt. That’s hot. Anyway, Jurassic World Rebirth has clearly forgotten that Parasaurolophuses are the best dinosaurs ever, because it features absolutely zero living Parasaurolophuses. In fact, it features a dead, rotting Parasaurolophus, which is an obvious personal attack towards fans of this majestic dinosaur. In light of such an insensitive and honestly stupid decision, I have no choice but to rescind my recommendation of Jurassic World Rebirth for anyone who asks. Parasaurolophus Erasure is to-date the biggest mistake that any Jurassic movie has ever made, and I don’t believe that the Jurassic franchise will ever recover. Unless it keeps making money.
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