Thank you for attending this week’s meeting of the Gay Agenda.
If you are not an LGBTQ ally or queer person, then you are not meant to be in attendance and must leave immediately for your own safety. The knowledge shared during this session may cause your face to melt like the Nazis at the end of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. You have been warned.
Now, for the rest of you: We have almost completed our goal of turning 10% of the world gay. As many of you know, these humans were already gay and were only suppressing their sexuality in order to conform with cultural and societal expectations. However, our invisible gamma rays, recently updated thanks to a generous donation, have allowed them to come out of the closet. Here are seven cinematic vessels that are currently transmitting these aforementioned gamma rays into people’s brains, turning them gay.
Stranger by the Lake
Plot: Set entirely by a cruising lake in France, this thrilling noir follows Franck and his love interest, who may or may not be a murderer. There’s enough on-screen tension, both sexual and otherwise, to make someone want to book a trip to a gay cruising lake — even someone who has never had a gay thought in their life.
Gay Agenda requirements met: Public sex; full-frontal male nudity; a persistent sense of danger; presence of Speedos.
Fire Island
Plot: A group of gay friends travel to Fire Island for a vacation filled with poppers, raves, karaoke, and the shade of it all, only to find themselves in an Austenian dramedy of epic proportions. Inspired by Pride and Prejudice, Fire Island is a perfect queer rom-com that hits all the right beats. Hidden within these beats are subatomic particles that devastate hetersexuality.
Gay Agenda requirements met: Margaret Cho.
Bound
Plot: Bestowed upon us by the Wachwoskis when The Matrix was just a glint in their eye, this movie follows Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly as Corky and Violet, a lesbian ex-con and mob girlfriend trapped in a fairytale of Sapphic seduction. This crime thriller is a masterclass in tension and style.
Gay Agenda requirements met: Gina Gershon in a tank top; Jennifer Tilly whispering homoerotic innuendos; lesbians fixing household appliances.
Y Tu Mamá También
Plot: Two young men (Gel García Bernal and Diego Luna) embark upon an impulsive road trip with a mysterious older woman who plies them with tequila and flirty glances until they give in to their repressed bisexuality.
Gay Agenda requirements met: Implicit critiques of monogamous heterosexuality; sexual fluidity; Gael García Bernal in a pool.
The Handmaiden
Plot: This decadent tale of desire and deception is as visually rapturous as it is horny. With this movie, director Park Chan-wook somehow transforms a Victorian-era novel into a concoction of forbidden sex and toxic luxury. The period South Korean setting highlights the naughtiness of the central handmaiden’s relationship with a wealthy heiress.
Gay Agenda requirements met: Fingers in mouths; triple-crossing lesbians; creative use of rope.
North Sea Texas
Plot: This sweet coming-of-age story from Belgium is a tender homage to suburban ennui and aching teenage desire. Pim, an idealistic teen, falls truly and deeply for his best friend Gino, catapulting both of them into a sensual and dreamy world of torturous closeted glimpses.
Gay Agenda requirements met: Foreign cinema; closeted teenagers pretending not to watch each other undress; a special camping trip.
Blue is the Warmest Color
Plot: Emma and Adèle (no, not that one) collapse into a pool of sweat, tears, and erotic hunger as their passionate connection bursts into a phantasmagoria of blue hair dye and oysters. Though this movie suffered from behind-the-scenes drama, its messy magnetism lives on in the brilliant performances of its stars, Léa Seydoux and Adèle Exarchopoulos. This infamous film is also controversial for its extended sex scene, but that’s exactly why we have kept it among our rotation of movies that systematically destroy heterosexuality.
Gay Agenda requirements met: Intense eye contact between French lesbians; seven-minute sex scene involving French lesbians; French lesbians.
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