The one thing I’ve noticed over the years as a relationship writer is that most women have no idea how they’re coming across to men. They may do things in an attempt to win his affection and then are left completely baffled when their efforts produce the opposite result.
I get a lot of heat when I write about what women are doing wrong. I get accused of blaming women, of defending men. But I’m doing neither.
My job isn’t to excuse or blame, my job is to share and enlighten. I have spent most of my life studying human behavior and using my insights to help people improve their lives and their relationships.
A lot of what I learned came through devastating personal experiences, so I’m telling you all what I wish someone had told me sooner!
1. Chasing him
There is never a good reason to chase anything. And you will never have to chase that which is meant for you.
The vast majority of the time, if a guy likes you… he will do something about it. He will pursue you, he’ll ask you out, and he will be consistent. None of this in and out, hot and cold, sending so many mixed messages it makes your head spin. Only guys who are somewhat interested act that way.
If he really likes you, the only thing you need to do is send a few greenlight signals his way so he knows you’re interested as well. This does not need to be obvious and over the top. A sweet smile and sultry eye contact will get the job done
If a guy has the opportunity to be with you and he just doesn’t take it, then he just doesn’t like you enough.
A high-value woman will just let him go and she’ll know that she’ll find someone else, someone better suited for her. A desperate woman will not let him go without a fight and she will claw her way back into his good graces- maybe she’ll text him nonstop, maybe she’ll show up places she thinks he’ll be, maybe she’ll get intel from mutual friends, maybe she’ll stalk him endlessly on social media, she may even ask him out.
The guy may respond to her advances by being polite, and she may mistake this as him being somewhat interested, but he really doesn’t seem to reciprocate the feelings. He may reply when you reach out, but he never initiates. You basically end up in a passive-reciprocation loop and eventually the relationship withers away.
If there is any hope of him developing feelings for you, you will effectively kill it by chasing after him.
Now I’m not saying you need to be totally passive here. You can absolutely be bold when you feel like it. Sometimes it can be sexy when a woman initiates. But after that, she needs to leave it alone and give him some space to pursue her. That is how men bond and develop feelings. That is what causes them to invest. If he doesn’t have the space to do that, you’ll be the only one invested in this relationship.
2. Putting him on a pedestal.
It’s very easy to get swept away when a new guy is in the picture and he’s nice and normal and you get along and have fun together and you just can’t help but get so excited about where this could lead. But when you do this, you’re usually investing in a fantasy more than an actual person.
Putting someone on a pedestal is not flattering, it’s alarming.
It just feels wrong because it doesn’t feel deserved. No one is perfect, and we all know that. Most of us are deeply flawed in our own ways, so when someone idealizes us like this it just signals that something is off about them, like they are just getting carried away by a fantasy or an illusion.
What we all crave as humans is a genuine connection. And you can’t connect on a real level if you aren’t seeing him as a real person.
3. Being entitled.
One of the biggest turn-offs to a man is a woman who acts entitled and just expects him to do things. Now men do love a woman with high standards, but they still want to be appreciated for the things they do. They don’t want a woman who just expects them to do certain things and be a certain way.
One of the most essential things to understand about men is that they crave appreciation greatly. This is essentially every man’s core love language. If a man doesn’t feel genuinely appreciated in a relationship, he will not want to be in that relationship. If you act entitled and just expect things from him, he will immediately be put off and most likely won’t want to continue seeing you.
You can be a high-value woman with standards and boundaries and still show appreciation when a man makes an effort. And even more than that, men need to feel appreciated for who they are. If you just see him as a means to an end… then you’re not connecting with him and he will lose interest.
4. Stressing over the relationship.
You can’t force someone to love you or reciprocate certain feelings. If he doesn’t seem to be matching your level of interest, stop obsessing over it and graciously let it go.
Don’t stress over where it all went wrong or what you should have done differently. Focus on yourself, focus on being a better version of yourself. Focus on being happy and complete. Focus on feeling great about your life and about who you are. This is what really captures a man’s attention. Not stressing over him and trying to do anything in your power to win him over.
Worrying sucks the joy out of a relationship and creates a tense, uneasy environment. Something like 90% of communication is nonverbal. So you may verbally be saying all the right things, but if you’re worrying and stressing over the relationship, he will pick up on that nervous energy and it’s a turn-off. Then all of a sudden he’ll say he feels like something is “off” or something is missing or maybe he just won’t feel attracted to you anymore.
Relationships really aren’t that complicated. The problem is we make them complicated by creating problems that don’t exist and obsessing over how to solve them.
5. Committing too soon.
Acting like you’re in a relationship will not get you a relationship, it will just put an end to whatever you have going on.
Here is how this scenario usually goes down. Girl meets boy, girl really, really likes boy, girl cuts off all other potential suitors and focuses exclusively on boy even though they never decided to be exclusive. Boy tells girl “I like our relationship as it is and don’t want to label it” and girl is devastated but stays in the relationship anyway, hoping he’ll change his mind.
Yes, it can be difficult to keep your options open when you find a guy who shines so much brighter than the rest, but you cannot act like his girlfriend until you are his girlfriend. Why? Because when you do you put your heart on the line, you come to care for him way more than he cares for you, and then you’re the one left shattered and devastated when it ends. Also, when you commit too soon you just put pressure on the situation and it suffocates the joy and excitement that was there before. He may feel like now you’re expecting too much from him, more than he’s ready to give at this exact moment, and then he’ll start pulling away or maybe end things.
If you commit too soon, you run the risk of scaring him away (as I mentioned previously, it’s alarming when someone becomes so into us before they really know us), and he also won’t feel like he’s choosing you, he’ll feel like he’s being chased and our immediate instinct when something is chasing us is to run.
6. Being negative.
One of the biggest driving needs for a man when it comes to relationships is being able to make a woman happy. If he feels that he can’t, he won’t want to be with her.
No man wants to serve as his woman’s emotional dumping ground, it just adds more stress to his life and men are very drama-averse.
Being negative isn’t just a man-repeller, it’s a people-repeller. No one wants to be sucked into that energy.
Practice being grateful for what you have in life. If you want to complain, you will always find things to complain about. If you want to feel good, I promise you can always find things in your life to feel grateful for.
7. Talking endlessly.
I’ll admit, I’m a talker. It took me a while to learn the art of just shutting up and listening.
Now some of this comes from feeling misunderstood like you need to overexplain yourself (this is usually tied to not feeling heard as a child). Some of it is a feeling of needing to prove yourself. So on a date, you may talk and talk and talk endlessly because if you don’t tell him about how funny you are, how successful you are, how many friends you have, how well-traveled you are, what a wonderful life you have… then how is he going to know?!
This is problematic because first, it’s exhausting for the other person to listen to, and also, it can backfire. If you put on a whole song and dance about how great you are, you may come across as arrogant, and also, he may feel like he has nothing to offer you. Also, people don’t typically become interested in you when you show them how interesting you are… they become interested when you show a genuine interest in them.
And of course, all this talking and proving yourself just reeks of desperation. If you feel worthy and confident in yourself, you will trust that this person will be genuinely curious to learn more about you, and that he will discover all the facets of your over time. You won’t worry that you’re not enough and thus, need to prove to him that you are more than enough and then some by going on and on.
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