A researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy reveals the four behaviors that expose a seemingly “generous” person as a narcissist.
They subject you to grand romantic gestures, excessive future faking, love bombing and charm in the beginning to hook you and cause you to invest in them — only to withdraw and withhold as soon as they’ve gotten what they wanted.
People with narcissistic and psychopathic traits tend to leech off the resources of others and depend on the praise, validation, ego strokes, and efforts from people to keep them “nourished.” They also tend to associate themselves with people who have status, reputation, talent, financial assets, attractiveness, and achievements they can exploit for their own use and ride the coattails of. Yet in order to get those people to cater to them, they first have to shower their chosen targets with excessive flattery, attention, grand romantic gestures, praise, promises for the future, and love bombing to ensure they invest in a future that may never come to fruition, or at least not in the way they suggested it would. Once they have gotten everything they’ve needed from these targets, they tend to move on quickly to other victims with little regard for the well-being of their previous partners. This is the narcissistic man who charms and love bombs his dates into believing he’s looking for a fairytale relationship only to sleep with them and never call back, or the narcissistic woman who tells her boyfriend she is looking to be married so he can financially take care of her in the meantime, only to cheat on him with multiple partners behind his back.
They give only in order to get — when it’s your turn to receive, they neglect you or become emotionally stingy. There is no “free gift” with a narcissist.
It stands to reason that mutual generosity and reciprocity can be the foundation for many healthy relationships, but in most healthy relationships, both people give freely to each other without a sense of excessive entitlement or one-sided selfishness. When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, they will only give to you if it benefits them but when it comes time for them to also be generous or fulfill their promises to you, they suddenly appear stingy or make overwhelming excuses for why they can’t seem to follow through, often causing you to invest in them under false pretenses. For example, a narcissistic friend may ask you for a loan and promise to pay you back, only to suddenly disappear when they make bank with the money you loaned them and it’s time to be reimbursed. Or a narcissistic romantic partner might promise you a happy marriage to get you to live with them and pay half the rent during the relationship, only to speed off into the sunset with a new mistress. A narcissistic boyfriend may take you out to a lavish vacation for your birthday, only to demand you pay half of the expenses after presenting it as a “gift” to you, or deliberately get you the wrong gift altogether after you spend time finding a thoughtful gift for them.
They display an excessive sense of entitlement to the fruits of your labor but accuse you of being “selfish” if you ask for compensation or ask for anything in return.
Entitled people like to project onto other people and pretend that their victims are the ones being entitled when they ask for fair compensation and acknowledgment. Narcissists weaponize this projection to make you feel guilty should you ever dare try to hold them accountable for their behavior. A narcissistic family member may ask for you to pay for their lavish lifestyle, but when you ask them for a favor, they may lash out in rage and accuse you of being demanding and needy. A narcissistic romantic partner may tell you that you’re being “spoiled” and remind you daily of the few times they took you out on a romantic date during the love bombing and future faking stages of the relationship if you ever call out their neglect but continue to use you for free housing. The double standards in such circumstances are absurd and the hypocrisy tends to be blatant with dark personality types.
They create a power imbalance and potent inequality throughout the relationship between what they expect you to give to them and pretend what they have given you is too generous for you to ever complain, revealing a lack of empathy for your needs and desires.
Empathic people give freely to others because they enjoy giving and making others happy – this is why they tend to be taken advantage of by dark personalities. A narcissist will give because it creates a sense of fear, obligation, and guilt — as well as a power imbalance. This is the wealthy husband who does not have a genuine provider mentality but rather uses his money to control, isolate and financially abuse his partner, often even exploiting her resources and labor to benefit him despite having the means to be generous while she suffers. It is the narcissistic wife who verbally abuses her husband while making use of his resources. Should a victim ever complain about the treatment they’re enduring, the narcissist will remind them of “their place” and threaten to take anything they’ve received away from to micromanage their ability to speak up for themselves. This pattern of coercion creates a power imbalance and disparity that leaves victims exploited and unable to defend themselves.
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