A researcher specializing in narcissism reveals the surprising red flag phrases toxic and narcissistic people can use on dating apps. These phrases may seem subtle, but they communicate volumes about a person’s character, sense of entitlement, and potential lack of empathy.
“Let’s go out now.”
Women who’ve been on dating apps often share the following experience: they match with a man whose first message to them urgently declares they should go on a date with them, right away. This person then proceeds to tell them that they like to get to know their dates “in person” and want to avoid being pen-pals. Red flags galore! This is the texting equivalent of sex without any foreplay. While no one wants to be messaging back and forth for weeks before meeting up, telling someone they “need” to meet them without even having a proper conversation or a vetting Facetime call communicates three things: this person doesn’t care about your sense of safety or empathize with the dangers women face on a daily basis and feel entitled to make you feel unsafe due to what they want; they don’t want to put the effort in to even have a conversation with you (less than the bare minimum), and they may even be predatory and aware that if they do engage in a conversation with you, you will notice something amiss – that is why they try to rush and fast-forward the meeting. Watch out for heavily persistent people who continue to pressure you into going out with them even when you’ve stated your boundaries.
“I want someone who doesn’t take themselves so seriously. I don’t want any drama.”
If your dating match has this listed on their dating profile, do not take it as a light-hearted cue that he just wants to live, laugh, and love with you forever. Instead, think about why someone would indicate this on their profile. Marriage, dating, childrearing, partnership, romance – this is all very serious business when you think about it. Usually, it’s the most drama-seeking individuals who create chaos in the lives of others who want people who don’t take their heinous transgressions “seriously” enough to call them out.
“Want to meet up for a walk/a hike/a coffee?”
Men and women, generally speaking, view these types of dates very differently. On average, many men on dating apps see coffee as a cheap way to entertain multiple options, while saving money to take out the “dream woman” they truly want to impress. They disguise hike and walk dates as outdoorsy adventures that are again, a cheap and low-effort way to get to know and even hook up with many women – and some actually use these secluded dates for more sinister purposes (so for your own safety, I would highly recommend staying away from hike or walk dates). Some women will swear by coffee dates because they believe it’s the safest, get-out-of-jail-free option should the date fail to impress, or turns out to be super creepy and entitled – this is a fair concern, but unfortunately, even a quick date doesn’t shield you from creepy entitlement. Remember, there are several options besides getting coffee with someone who is likely going to turn out to be low-effort: you can still meet up for lunch, brunch, afternoon tea, go to a nice lounge with drinks and appetizers, a live music or jazz venue, or if you’re more certain you’ll like the person and have vetted them through FaceTime, a full dinner and meet-cute. You are likely to attract far more serious candidates who want to invest in you and actually want to romance you this way – or, at the very least, respects the time, effort, and risk you undergo as a woman meeting up with a stranger every time you go on a date. Remember: if you’re dating someone who is already low-effort in the beginning, this pattern will only worsen over time.
“Please have a sense of humor.”
It is usually the most humorless people who rely on cruelty and chronic sarcasm (as opposed to using sarcasm as a spice to their jokes) to bully others that write such a phrase on dating apps. Ask yourself why this person feels the need to present anyone who doesn’t find them funny as “humorless,” and consider it a red flag that they may be showing you in due time that their comedy is dependent on demeaning others.
“So what do you think about me or (insert anything from their dating profile)?”
If a person on a dating app fails to ask you any questions about yourself and only focuses on their own profile, run. At the very least you’re communicating with someone self-centered, and in the worst-case scenario, you’re about to become entangled with a narcissist who’s going to be solely focused on getting their own needs met while foregoing yours.
“I am rarely on here. Add me on Snapchat/Instagram.”
If someone cannot even handle messaging on a dating app, what makes you think they would put the time and effort into getting to know you? It is quite presumptuous to place such a request to strangers to “follow” them on social media. Regardless, this is actually a tactic many manipulators use to get your personal information early on. If you do “follow” them and take the bait, they will use it to gather information on who you are. Apart from being low-effort and lazy, this phrase can indicate a sense of entitlement from a partner.
“Me with my best friend! She’s like a sister to me.”
This one may be a bit more niche, but if a man is showing off a shady close female friend or a harem of female friends on their dating profile pictures and declaring they’re like a “sister” to them, they’re usually already setting up a competition and ready to gaslight you about it if you feel uncomfortable. A wealth of research indicates that men are more likely than women to have interest in their opposite-sex friends. Knowing this, it can be helpful to consider this a tentative red flag – the exception being that sometimes two people really are platonic friends and not attracted to one another, but if they’re showing them off on a dating app, it certainly tells you there is reason to be cautious. There’s no real reason someone would need to show off their close “friendships” with other women on dating apps unless they were trying to “flaunt” their supposed desirability or even indicate that in order to date them you must tolerate a shady friendship. Stay wary.
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