In the ever-true words of Marie Kondo: “I love mess,” and these three teen shows deliver exactly that. All of these are honestly so beyond bad they actually are kind of addicting, so much so that you won’t be able to stop watching. (Warning: Spoilers ahead!)
1. 7th Heaven
7th Heaven was an American family “drama” about the Camden family. I put drama in quotations because it was actually comedic gold.
7th Heaven intended to portray a close-knit family that overcame obstacles and still remained loyal and loving to one another despite it all. The Camdens were made up of Reverend Eric Camden (Stephen Collins), his wife Annie (Catherine Hicks), and their five children. There’s also the family dog Happy. Later on in the show, Annie has twins Sam and David, bringing the Camden kid count to seven.
As I said, 7th Heaven tried to bring the drama but it honestly just gave a lot of cringe. Matt, the oldest brother, was real obsessed with his younger sisters Lucy and Mary’s virginity, which, uh, weird. One time, one of the kids Simon joined a gang. Another time, Simon had a cup of coffee and developed a crippling caffeine addiction.
Each episode of 7th Heaven did its best to offer some kind of moral lesson but the overly wholesome nature of The Camdens made everything feel more like a parody than a parable. Anyway, 7th Heaven somehow ran 11 seasons total, spanning 243 episodes, with each episode offering predictable, cringeworthy storylines. It was great.
2. The Secret Life Of The American Teenager
The Secret Life Of The American Teenager starred Shailene Woodley as Amy Juergens, a 15-year-old high school student who becomes unexpectedly pregnant after one night at…band camp. Yeah. That’s basically all you need to know. The rest is as yikes as that!
3. Riverdale
Riverdale may have completely lost the plot but it never lost my heart.
For seven gloriously weird and messy seasons, Riverdale told the stories and secrets of its residents in a way that made no sense whatsoever. Narrative? Who needs it! Cohesiveness? Please.
But the truly bizarre twists and turns of Riverdale are exactly what kept so many viewers hooked. As The Ringer put it in an article paying homage to the show’s impending series finale: “Riverdale’s penchant for “just doing whatever” alienated some fans in later seasons, but it also delighted others, and those who stuck with the show until the end reaped its strange rewards. No one—truly, no one—was doing it like Riverdale.”
In Riverdale we trust, amen.
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