What Is The 4B Movement?
The 4B movement is a women’s empowerment movement that first originated in South Korea in response to rampant misogyny and violence, with proponents such as Jung Se-young and Baeck Ha-na. As a result of the 4B movement, the birth rate is now the lowest it has ever been, and the government is now even trying to pay women to have children as a result. The 4 “Bs” refer to abstaining from the following behaviors:
- No sex with men (bisekseu)
- No child-rearing (bichulsan)
- No dating men (biyeonae)
- No marriage with men (bihon)
Is the 4B movement coming to the United States? It appears so. Across social media, women are declaring that they are implementing the principles of the 4B movement and no longer pursuing marriage, child-rearing, sex, or dating (at least not in a heterosexual relationship).
What Are the Benefits of the 4B Movement For Women?
If women are indeed taking on the principles of the 4B movement in the United States, there may be many benefits. According to Harvard-trained psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo, research indicates that single, childfree women can be just as happy and satisfied with their lives as their coupled counterparts – in some cases, even happier, healthier, and wealthier. As licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Linda Baggett noted in a previous article on single and childfree women, “Many of my clients are millennial women who are single, childfree and between 25-40. I have noticed many benefits to choosing to be childfree for this population. First and foremost is that as any mother will tell you, having children makes it exceedingly hard to focus on yourself. It is very difficult to have the time and energy to focus on one’s own hobbies, travel, healing, self-care, leisure, and pursuing interests and relationships in the same way that a childfree woman can. It is important that women choose the path that feels right for them without pressure or judgment from others.” Therapist Dolly Ferraiuolo, LCSW, concurs, saying, “Parenthood is undoubtedly a profound and rewarding experience, but it also brings with it significant responsibilities and sacrifices. For some women, maintaining their emotional and mental well-being takes precedence.”
Sarah Reid, licensed mental health counselor says, “The biggest benefit to being single and childless is happiness. Married women with children often express their frustrations in therapy. They express feeling undervalued and unappreciated. They have sacrificed in both their personal and professional life, caring not only for themselves, but performing the unpaid labor of caring for a husband and children. Although there is the myth of happily ever after in marriage, evidently single women without children are the happiest.”
Women Who Have Adopted 4B Principles Share Their Reasons
In a previous article, I interviewed hundreds of women who had gone into the various stages and principles aligned with the 4B movement – some had become celibate, others opted out of the dating world and marriage, and many others are happily single and childfree. This appears to be a culmination of many years of encountering extreme hostility, misogyny, danger, and even in some cases, narcissistic dating partners in the dating world. Some of the common reasons why women were choosing this movement included the following. A sample of quotes for each reason is provided, but you can read the full quotes associated with all of these reasons here.
The current dating pool is toxic.
It causes far too much trauma and takes too much time, energy, and investment for many women to deal with. Most women are not willing to sacrifice their mental or physical health just to find a partner, are choosing to prioritize themselves and want to protect their peace. Many women also report they have worked intensively on healing and working on themselves through therapy – but they don’t feel they receive that same courtesy from their dating partners. This was a theme that came up consistently in responses I received from women who could no longer endure the sheer time and energy it took to wade through the toxicity of the current dating pool. Specifically, women felt that the dating pool, especially on dating apps, were filled with predatory people, and it took a great deal of time and energy to invest in a potential connection, only to be met with red flags, disrespect, and abuse. They opted instead to choose to protect their well-being by taking themselves out of the dating pool altogether. This toxicity, women note, tends to be unequal: while men tend to have a larger pool of potential mates who have done inner work or have gone to therapy, are nurturing, accomplished, thoughtful, and empathic, women don’t feel most men on dating apps (or elsewhere) have done the work to heal or be empathic.
“My peace is so valuable to me. I have yet – in my 54 years – to find a man that has added to my life, instead only men that take. I was exhausted. My life has exponentially changed for the better when I’ve placed priority on my own happiness and building my own full and abundant life. I am so happy!” – Piper
“Choosing singlehood has taken away the distractions that I felt were a need in life. I’ve built up so much in a short period of time that I’m so proud of. I did the work and pushed through to be better on my own. I tried dating at one point this year and it took away from my life more than anything. I don’t want to date anyone and I feel more comfortable with that decision now than ever before. It’s just not for me.” – Amanda
“I am choosing to not care about finding someone at this time. I honestly don’t want to find anyone at this point. I am exhausted. I am exhausted from constantly being let down by men who won’t choose to do the work and heal themselves…I am now choosing to date myself and give me the attention I’ve given all these men throughout my entire life since I was 16. I owe this to myself and if the kind of guy I’ve been looking for comes into my life, I’ll welcome him in, but I won’t beg for scraps of love ever again. I’m now choosing to give my kids the happy energetic mom they have always deserved. I am able to because I’m not bending over backwards for everyone else.” – Alex
“I did my healing. I put the effort in for years to learn what my toxic behaviors were and how to recognize and respond to my emotions. I healed from my divorce and from my abuser. Trying to date and centering men in any way, wasted my time and halted my progress and caused me way too much anxiety wondering what else I should do to make it right. Yet none of these men were ever willing to put as much effort into their own healing (physical or emotional, they always lacked somewhere) and progress as the majority of the women that I knew had, let alone the amount of effort I put into myself. I was not given this One Life to live, simply to move from incompetent man to incompetent man to incompetent man claiming he just needed love. I am here to live life, happily, beautifully and in the manner that I define successfully!” – Alesha
Misogyny is rampant and so is exploitation, deception, fraud, cheating, and abuse. In the dating world, women are experiencing misogyny and various forms of abuse and deception at high levels, especially on dating apps.
From unsolicited pictures that violate them to deceitful partners that hide their marital status or criminal records, dating and dating apps have become more of a dangerous game of emotional Russian roulette. Successful and high-achieving women stated they felt the pressure to be providers as well as the primary parent and “mother” to their partners; some experienced pathologically envious men who lashed out at them due to their success. Post-pandemic, more women are leaving hookup culture, casual sex, and dating apps to reclaim their power. Some are even choosing celibacy altogether.
“For straight women, dating apps are like being thrown into a pool of frenzied piranhas. It’s giving their only natural predator, men, easier access to their prey. From sending icky rude remarks and unwanted d*ck pics and verbal abuse to them actually murdering their dates.” – Veronica
“I once, downloaded one of these so called “dating apps” and 10 minutes later, I immediately uninstalled it. I felt like I was being in a lake of swarming narcissistic, sexaholic, maniac crocodiles. I would never ever do this again in my entire life.” – Mae
“I tried it twice. One guy had severe mental health issues and the second guy had 13 sexual assault charges and is on the sex offenders registry! These people aren’t vetted and anyone can set up a profile. Online dating is too risky; I’m a single mom and I will never do it again, my children’s safety is paramount.” – Jacquie
“Men’s entitlement creates abusiveness and allows for a lack of awareness. I wasn’t put on this earth to be powerless and fix the misogyny created by men for men. I’m here to be fully myself, my strong and beautiful self! I don’t believe I can do that in a heterosexual relationship.” – Alex
Experiences of narcissistic partners tend to be frequent, especially on dating apps but in modern romance in general. Singlehood offered these women freedom, time and space for goals and personal self-development, self-care, raising their standards, other meaningful connections and most importantly, peace. Accountability is at an all-time low, and women prefer solitude to “raising” a man.
Many of the women interviewed noted that they experienced weaponized incompetence and often took on the majority of domestic labor and emotional labor, even if both partners were employed full-time. Many women noted that placing the focus back on their self-care, healing, and mental health has made a substantial difference to their well-being and enhanced their happiness.
“I am no longer willing to diminish my worth, or compromise my peace, simply because a man is not willing to learn to be a better person and then consistently act on it. After twenty years of covert abuse, I have zero fucks left to give. Never again will I betray myself as to not hurt a man’s feelings. If you can’t add to my peace, then leave me alone. If you haven’t healed your trauma, go live with your mama. Women need to stop being so available to these little boys, pretending like they are men. And most importantly, healthy and healed men need to be the ones holding these little boys accountable for their toxic behaviors, entitlement, and misogyny.” – Rae
“I am tired of teaching. It’s not my responsibility to teach you emotional intelligence, basic kindness, intersectional feminism, or the direction of the clitoris. I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of latching onto the green flags, only to be knocked upside the head with that red flag they hide so well. And I feel so good, so free and light and happy when it’s just me. I know how to love myself and I truly enjoy my own company. If someone is not adding to my life, they’re simply subtracting and nobody has got time for that.” – Toni
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