Like death and taxes, breakups are an inevitable part of life.
Recently, I had one, and it had all the earmarks of a bad ending — lies, betrayal, deceit.
After the initial shock, anger, grief, anger again, and then finally some peace, I did what I always do — I reached out to people who are a lot smarter than me for some guidance on how to uncover the gifts of a breakup and the quickest ways to move through them.
What a world famous couples therapist had to say
I started with Stan Tatkin, a couples therapist I’ve been lucky enough to work with. He combines neuroscience with attachment theory, which explains the healthy and unhealthy ways that we bond with the important people in our lives.
What I love about Stan is that he walks his talk not only as a human being but as a husband to his wife, Tracey. Being with Stan and Tracey is super cozy.
The Value of Regret
When I asked Stan what he had to say about bad endings, he started out by talking about regret. When you have a bad ending, especially when you’re blind-sided by it, there is often a lot of regret. We beat ourselves up, thinking we should have seen it coming.
“Regret is important,” he said, “because it’s a catalyst for learning from our mistakes.”
“Watch out for people who don’t regret bad endings and focus on what the other did wrong,” he cautioned, because they will never learn and grow from their mistakes.
Don’t Run Away From Grieving
“Grieving is important too,” Stan Tatkin continued. Although we feel emotional pain, the loss affects the body too.
Nerve fibers in your brain and body are invested in the relationship. They need to be withdrawn from the person and recovered by the self. It’s like losing a hand. This explains why you have no energy. The system is conserving energy as it somatically “licks its wounds.”
You may want to jump into a new relationship, but people are not interchangeable. We are supposed to grieve.
Neurobiologically, the healing process has to happen, and there’s no way around it. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself by meeting with friends, getting lots of hugs, and taking baths.
However, the silver lining is that if you face it, feel it, and walk through it instead of running away from the pain, you can emerge better, smarter, and wiser. You will also be better at spotting red flags when you’re ready for your next relationship.
What an expert on self-worth had to say
Next, I talked to Nancy Levin, who wrote the book “Worthy: Boost Your Self-Worth to Grow Your Net Worth.”
When I asked her about bad endings, she said, “Hmmm.. you mean the gift of the catastrophe?” We were on the phone, but I nodded my head yes.
“The great thing about bad endings,” she said, “is that they are a catalyst for something beyond what we can imagine if we can stay open to the possibility and say yes no matter what.”
The hardest part of taking this advice is that in the aftermath of my loss, I wanted to shut down. I didn’t want to stay open and say yes, no matter what.
Nancy urged me on.
She said, “Usually, bad endings signify that we are not in our truth. We may be living for others, pleasing others, packaging ourselves to be digestible to others but the bad break helps us realize that we need to stop looking outside ourselves.”
I think I got it. The pain in my heart was like a powerful magnet forcing me to turn inward. Looking inside myself, I could see how the relationship had been out of balance for some time.
The antidote — follow the pain inward to get clear about your priorities by bringing them back to the foreground of your awareness.
If it’s difficult to look inside, start journaling or go outside for a walk in nature. Moving a pen across the page or moving your body in a yoga class or on a trail will help move the feelings out of you, making space to get some clarity.
What a psychic medium had to say
The ultimate bad ending can be a death, so I decided to reach out to Maureen Hancock, a psychic medium who talks to dead people for a living.
Since she has counseled thousands of people at the point of loss, I thought she must have some good advice on the matter.
She said, “When any situation ends badly, whether it is a relationship, a job, or the physical loss of a loved one, emotions run very high but the good news is that bad endings always equal new beginnings.”
She continued, “Sometimes, it seems like we will never be able to climb out of the grief of the situation. Loss comes in many forms. The first thing you have to allow is the ebb and flow of the grief to take over at any given moment. When you don’t fight those feelings, you can weave grief and joy into your life.”
First, you have to face and then dig yourself out of the pain, the way Stan and Nancy had noted. Afterwards, though, your vista will open up once again and be enlarged.
The gift hidden in loss
Maureen’s work helps people get relief from their grief. She has an extensive toolkit to help people see the gift in the ending.
From her spiritual perspective, she has repeatedly gotten the message that when things end badly in a relationship, there is always a purpose to help you learn, grow, and level up your consciousness.
From doing readings with the dead for decades, she’s seen that when there’s a bad ending that involves the physical loss of a loved one, this can also be a challenging but much needed life lesson.
She shared, “Perhaps you weren’t speaking when your person left this earth. Maybe there were challenges in the relationship. Being kind to yourself and grasping you are a spiritual being having a human experience might help you understand the lesson.”
Again, it comes down to self-care. Acknowledge that what you are going through is hard and will take some time. It can be difficult to be patient with pain, but if you keep breathing, it will always soften over time.
In Conclusion
Bad endings can take you by storm, and many people can feel victimized.
When you realize they are trying to teach you something, you can empower yourself.
That’s the gift of the catastrophe — a big, painful reminder to listen to your gut and get back into alignment with yourself.
After listening to all this expert advice, I’d recommend rocking your own boat, meaning speak up and right your sail before life does it to you.
We often try to avoid conflict, disappointment, and upsetting others in relationships by not speaking up. As a result, we disrespect our own boundaries and live out of integrity with ourselves. This is unsustainable.
So say the thing you’re afraid of saying. Because when we don’t tell the truth to ourselves, it will always come out sideways.
Every betrayal is a self-betrayal first
Parker Palmer says, “Every divided life will have pathology.”
The divided life exists not just in the one who lied but in the one who was lied to. We are both complicit in it. It is true for the betrayer and the betrayed.
If you are facing a bad ending, remember that it’s life lovingly albeit painfully nudging you back on track. It will hurt for a while, but your body and heart know how to heal.
Be patient. Trust the process. And receive the lesson.
Thanks toVictoria Kurichenko
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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