Happy Father’s Day! Want to get your man the perfect gift this year? Send him to his cave where he can hide in solitude. While women often find comfort from stress by socializing with others, men often find similar relief by hiding from others. This basic difference can cause daily problems in a relationship when it is misunderstood.
Mark Anderson is a mental health therapist specializing in couples therapy. He is in private practice in Scottsbluff at Oregon Trail Mental Health. He can be reached at 635-2800 or online at www.panhandlecouples.com.
Imagine the typical couple returning home at the end of the day. It’s been a stressful one for both partners.
As he drives home, he can’t wait to escape from the problems of the world by forgetting them. He’s envisioning the enjoyment of going online for a while or hiding in the evening news or sportscast.
Maybe he’ll even escape out to the garage to work on a project, spend some alone time mowing the lawn or play a video game or two. Ahh, relief is just around the corner, in his “cave” where he can forget the stressors of life.
Not far across town, his loving companion is also heading home from a stressful day. Looking for relief, she can’t wait to get home and connect with her husband through conversation. After all, he’s the one who committed to be there through thick and thin and ‘til death do they part.
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Today was one of those days where she needs that support, and she plans to get it through a great conversation with her one-and-only. You know, one of those really good ones where even though no one else in the whole world understands, or cares, he does.
So in they walk. She starts the stress-reducing attempt by stating, “How was your day?” He also starts his stress-reducing attempt by heading to his cave of isolation, and so he answers “Fine.” She once again attempts the conversation: “Anything new?” and right on track for the cave, he quickly answers, “No.”
As the night goes on, with each attempting to reduce stress in different ways, it’s actually backfiring and stress is increasing: her because he won’t talk, and him because she won’t stop talking.
Having worked another year with couples, men often say they don’t want to ignore the problem forever by hiding in the cave, they just want to escape there for a little break. However, when women try to chase them out too soon by talking, they never get the needed break.
Eventually, the male grows tired of her continued efforts and gets increasingly frustrated. He then states, “She won’t stop nagging” and she complains, “He never wants to talk.”
Since it’s Father’s Day, here’s a few ways to support your man and his cave:
(1) Don’t take it personally when he withdraws. He’s not acting against you, he just realizes that before he cares for others, he must first care for himself.
(2) Let him know you’re OK with him having “cave time” instead of making him feel guilty about it.
(3) Have hope that a man who can spend a little time away in the cave will come out much better than he went in. Don’t we all need a little break now and again?.
Although it’s Father’s Day, men must also be warned. Any behavior done to excess does more damage than good. While the cave can give us the R&R we need to come out refreshed and ready to slay the beast, some men instead use the cave as a permanent hiding spot. If you never come out to face the world, you’re not resting, you’re hiding.
By understanding the different ways men and women naturally respond to stress, couples can begin to work together in helping lower, not raise, each other’s tension. Since it’s Father’s Day and there’s tinkering to be done and an NBA championship game to watch, there’s no better time to escape to the cave than today.
Happy Father’s Day, men, and happy solitude. Tomorrow’s Monday, and the stressors will be waiting so you’d better be ready.
For more tips on keeping your love alive, visit www.panhandlecouples.com.
Remember, couple relationships are easier than you think, but harder than you act.
Mark Anderson is a mental health therapist specializing in couples therapy. He is in private practice in Scottsbluff at Oregon Trail Mental Health. He can be reached at 635-2800 or online at www.panhandlecouples.com.
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